Your one goal in life should be to learn how to be a proper man.

A man should never be sipping on a pink drink. Looks like your drinking a liquified lawn flamingo. And figure out your drink. Learn to be a professional drinker. Find the type of fermentation that works for you and stick to it. Still blowing bazooka chunks every Friday night? You have zero clue how to actually take in cocktails. I'd rather you be ( groan ) sober than stumble around like a tank of asshole. Either stop the liquor or become a happy drunk, or else wind up in the devious clutches of a fed up over retarded drinkers freak like me.

A man should only wear a hat if his head is cold, the task at hand requires one, or if his hair is extra greasy and maniacally spindling about. Becoming a slaphead? Stop cowering behind a haberdashery sheild. Yeah yeah, the lucky bastards that retain their folicles look younger than you. Whatever. It's a medical fact that balding men possess more potent dude chemicals than those with steadfast hairlines.

A man should know how to find a clitoris. And if he is incapable of finding a clit he should have the cojones to ask where the little devil lives. Honestly, you can't complete a search and tantalise clit mission, hand your manhood over to someone else. Straight up grasshopper, find the clit.

A man should have taken a punch to the face at least once in his life. Fighting is dumb. But if you've avoided every single fist to jaw potential event in your measly life, your a blousy blouse. You should have scars. Not just because you had your appendix out either. The cemetery used to be filled with men whose last moments in life were grit chewing, spit flying howling good times. A man should know how to growl effectively.

A man should miss climbing trees, and hurt himself trying to do it again as an adult.

A man should like to see shit blow up.

A man should detest tit implants. Would you eat a dog toy steak instead of a hunk of actual cow? Why would you want to suck on a plastic tit? Breasts should gracefully give way to fingers. They should jiggle like jello not bobble like a balloon. Tits are a wonderful piece of anatomy to be treasured, why would you ask someone to carve and shove bags of industrial goo into them?

Nothing about pussy should freak or disgust a man out. A real man should be able to procure a box tampons for his sweety without batting an eye. Chuckle at the guy ahead of you in line buying hand lotion and Kleenex.

A man should open a fucking car door for christ sake. Offer your fucking hand you shit. Yes, for the love of potatos, carry her bags. Its not cause they are weaker, cause they ain't. It's not cause it makes you look super cool and therefore more fuckable. It's cause you actually like the feminine side of our race. Women are way too cool to not want to dote all over them. A man should think women are the coolest universal accident ever.

A man should be able to insult his homies, and conversely know how to take a good ribbing. If I see one more hurt pouting look over light taunting I'll spew acid from my nostrils. You can't develop a relationship with your boys that is solid enough to call each other cocksuckers then stay inside for the rest of your miserable life.

A man should drink milk and juice from the carton.

A man should sleep in the wet spot. We are the gross and grubby little monsters. You can't snuggle up to a sex puddle I gots less respect for ya than a soiled snail trail.

A man should smell like he's been doing something. Like sweat, gasoline, smoke, pussy, blood, liquor and/or generally the great outdoors. Patchouli, potpourri and posies wafting from a some mark makes me wanna dunk them in a vat of pork gravy. Yes have decent hygiene. Don't smell like an overactive perfume factory's green house.

A man should take care of his kids. Sew up the head of your cock and boil your nutsack if you are incapable of raising a child. Seriously, I would personally shove your dick in an angry wasp nest if you decided to be an asshole to your children. Understandable that your southern brain will take over now and then. Your fucking northern brain better kick in when that kid shows up. I despise you fucking fathers that bail as much as rapists. And if your chick decides to get an abortion, you had better take your heiny on down there with her.

A man should know the vital stats of at least one comic book superhero other than Superman or Batman.

A man should be competent at either billiards, darts or pinball.

A man should have a decent relationship with his ma. She provided the home training. She provided your life. You and your ma haven't talked or are sour to each other? Figure some way to fix it. Seriously.

A man should know what music to fuck to. Rhythm baby, rhythm.

A man should at least secretively aspire to be either a rockstar or a pornstar. One the best nuggets of wisdom a pop can dispense on his boy early in life is: "Son, you want a happy life? Become a musician.". Changing your baby boy's diapers and you notice little homey is swinging fairly large? Pat him on the ass when he's eighteen and shove him towards Hollywood. Oh yeah fireman and doctor is a great fantasy when you are a boy, Buck Fireman and Doctor Feelgood are better fantasies when you are a man.

A man can aim his piss properly. How big does a toilet opening need to be. Okay, I've had errant streams. But hey, there's that roll of toilet paper that can wipe whatever drops are about. Reign that tinkle in. Back to that home training thing again.

A man should know how to cook, and cook well.

A man should believe that there is nothing on this green bubble better than a woman in the throes of orgasm. Nothing feels better than a woman cumming. Nothing tastes, sounds and smells better than a woman cumming. If you don't get goosebumps by watching a woman quiver, sneer, squirt and sweat then you ain't a man. You gots chicks cumming all over you, there ain't nothing else better than that. Women cumming is heaven.

A man should be a fucking man for fuck's sake.