"Stay out of daddy's stash."

"Fuck christmas."

I would be hyper critical of any television, movies, music, books or other popular media that they would be a part of. Like, I would kick the televison in rather than let my kids watch Barney. They could watch all the shit blowing up they want. But if it offends my sense of taste it would not be allowed in my house.

I would laugh everytime they would fall on their face or rump.

"Pour some ketchup on it and shove it in your hole you picky son of a bitch."

"The sky is blue because the oceans are filled with microbes that tint the water blue, then light from the sun is reflected off the water which hits the atmosphere as blue. The atmosphere reflects that light back to us and we see it as blue." (All why questions would be answered in long drawn out scientific reasons that would go over their head, until which time that they could understand it and by then they'll probably stop asking me questions)

"Sex is wonderful, but it can lead to kids and marriage, and that sucks."

"God doesn't exist, and anyone who believes in god is retarded."

Walking around without a shirt on during birthdays, picnics, every morning, sleep overs, and anytime where its my house or lawn and I'll let my gut hang whether people like it or not dammit.

Their mother and I constantly getting it on like a couple of noisy monkeys.

"Come here and pull my finger"

"If you don't shut the hell up and get out of my face, I'm gonna take your college money and use it to take your mother and I to a tropical paradise for a month, leaving you here with your grandparents. I'll make sure to tell them you love doing chores."

"Thats right life isn't fair, as a matter of fact its a festering pile of compost, so deal with it and get a job you lazy slacker."

Continue to be a big freak.