As far as I can remember Starbursts basically rock. I don't eat candy these days, but I remember them giving me sugary mouthgasms. Candy was like crack to me and my friends back in the day.

One day in the seventh grade the second grade teacher came in for a guest appearance to have us play a game. This asshole, I don't remember his name, decided to play mr. moralizer with us. I entered Bethel Lutheran School K-9 at the seventh grade level so I never had this charming fuck for a teacher, unlike most of the other students in my class at the time who had. He was a bully. Mr. Sandler. Now I remember you you peice of shit. He reigned over his classroom like a gulag commandant. I remember other students who had him in the past shrinking from him as he passed by. He would apparently pick you up by the ears and shake you if you displeased him. I never witnessed his terror first hand, but the tales told from survivors of his prison camp like classes were abundant. I remained unimpressed regardless.

So, the class was split into four teams. I don't remember the rules of the game we played, but it was supposed to mimic rival nations who by gaining points would receive rewards in the way of Starbursts. Had to wait until the very end to eat them though. Something like twelve rounds.

We were a really competitive group. The most exciting times of the day were during recess and gym when we could try and out do each other in tag football, basketball, dodgeball, four square, kill the man (or as I've heard it referred to in other circles - smear the queer), kickball, and any other activity that involved besting someone in combat. And oh shit if you had skills in any of those arenas you got mad props. Winning and having the skills to win became the pinnacle of success to us. It was fun.

So we are trying desperately to rake in as many fruit flavored sugar squares as possible. Taunts abound. Prancing about when awards were taken. We were getting into it. And one team was grabbing most of the candy. It reached a fevered pitch. And even though the other three teams were clearly losing, we were all thouroughly enjoying ourselves.

Out of nowhere Mr. Sandler roars "Dammit" and slams down the bag of candy on the desk. He made us give him back all the Starbursts that we won. Then he goes on a tirade where it was mathmatically possible, if the game was played "correctly" that every single person should have wound up with three peices of candy. How we are selfish little bastards and since we don't know how to interact properly with each other none of deserved any reward. This went on for a good thirty minutes of berating us on the topic of how we were savage animals. Looking around the room I could see faces fall, he still had the power to make these kids feel subhuman.

Of course not knowing what's good for me, somewhere along the line I mumbled "This is bullshit". "What!?!" with a stare like he was gonna put me over his knee. Which he had done to students before. I looked at him dead in the eyes silently not moving or saying anything, just the sound of the clock ticking could be heard. The room was so tense, everybody fixing their eyes on me, and back to Mr. Sandler, and back to me. I snorted back some phlegm in my nose, and said "Nuthin" with a smirk, and if he could read people by their facial expressions and body language he could tell I was telling him to slob my knob. I really wanted him to try something physical with me. As a matter of fact I had a pencil in my hand that I had decided to drive into his flesh if he even acted like he was gonna touch me. Plus my mom would have drop kicked his chubby rump when she found out. He grabs the bag of candy, storms out of the classroom, and slams the door behind him. "Fucking prick." Course my real teacher heard that one and sent me to the office.

First of all, the game was developed by some social science geniuses from Harvard, and the convoluded rules almost made it impossible to come to a conclusion where everybody got the exact same amount. Even if you knew exactly the mathmatical equation behind the game, and had everyone buy into the concept and philosophy, it would be incredibly difficult to pull off. And of course he was as cryptic as possible when laying out the rules. Second, what the fuck did he think was going to happen by dangling the equivalent of heroin in front of a group of addicts, and tell them the more points they score, the more smack they get.

Fuck you, you violent quasi liberal lutheran bully cock smoker. He came in there knowing he was going to be able to make kids feel bad. He probably went home and whacked his meat off fantacizing about the bruised expressions on our faces. He resented kids cause his wife's insides were all wrong and he couldn't develop a new genration of up tight assholes. I hope some kid shivs him on the playground one day. Nazi fuck.