Blanks. Sections of your timeline that you have just spaced from your memory. Things I've heard I've done. Notice how I don't say things I have done cause these are second hand reports from my deviant drunk friends. Emptied my wallet in order to buy the full load of flowers from the creepy bar to bar rose peddler, handed what must have been seven dozen red and whites to the sexy bartender, then later at the deli accused the owners of stealing my loot. Helped a married lady with her nipple as it was poking out of her halter top, by pushing it back in with my forefinger. Walked up to a table of frat boys, bent over, dropped trou, and wetly farted. Annointed my rooty tooty fresh and fruity IHOP platter with a snot rocket before digging in. Hopped out of a moving taxi on Houston Avenue. Ate a girl out on a coffee table during the New Years party that I crashed that my boss threw in his posh mansion in Ladue ( one of the secluded rich neighborhoods of St.Louis ).

Your priorities become booze, rent, food in that order.

Drunk sex. Ah how wonderful is it to drool as your making out, unable to put the condom on until you focus on the one in the middle, humping away unable to cum and eventually passing out on top of the confused person you dragged from the bar, hearing the angelic tones of "Arrrgh, wrong hole you idiot", and my favorite - burping inside of some chicks pussy, bonus points if its slightly productive.

Thinking you are a masterful dancer. Yet you really look like one of Jerry's kids on vitamin Q with a coating of Crisco on the soles of your shoes. My personal favorite is the frenetic jiggly Miami bass style booty dance I would perform on top of the bar whenever Play That Funky Music White Boy, or whatever the fuck its called would blast from the juke.

You begin to look like your older relatives. In particular my Ukranian great uncles Georgi, Lorny, and Eddie. Good premonition - there is a childhood photo circulating through the ranks of my kindred of me at four years of age double fisting a Schlitz, with my relatives in the background cheering me on including said uncles above.

You smell like alcohol. It oozes from your pores. Direct quote from a past lover "Honey, I love that new aftershave your wearing." To which I had to inform her "Um, no sweetie, thats gin."

The lengths you'll go to increase your liquor bargain quotient. I'm sure I've mentioned how I stripped naked and handed my tidy whities over to the bartender for an unlimited pass to the Jager bottle. One cute bartender turned upset all the sudden, I asked why, she informed me that there was an asshole in the bar that she had had past problems with. Without a second breath I was on top of the guy escorting him from the place, slammed him through the doors, and tossed him on a pile of garbage. Drank for free from there on out as well as a few trips to her bedroom.

Wanting to puke, begging the cold porcelean of the toilet to help you out and your body absolutely will not, or trying desperately not to puke and then immediately launching chunder everywhere.

Once got carded when I was twenty two. Didn't have my I.D. Wasn't gonna let me in. So I get up close to him, pull down the bottom lid of one of my eyes and said "Can't you see in my eyes that I've been drinking since I was twelve. Even if I was underage the cops'll take one look at me and know I need to be drinking for public safety sake." He chuckled and told me to drink up.

Morning after horror. Stumbling out of the bar that you closed down, hung out with the staff for after hours and its well past dawn. Sun shining bright, slicing through you, accusing you, hurting your absolute center. And then some chipper nut breezes by jogging, knowing that if you only could catch up to them you'd trip them up and then douse them with your entire load of firewater spiked piss.