Dawn of the dead. Tis the morn of the shackles of imprisonment ceremony. I am awaiting orders from captain groom, watching cable in my underoos. Decide on a preemptive phone call to see if I need to go into action mode. Nope, he tells me to continue on recon waiting for further orders.

Checking out my slouching body in the closet mirror I decide that my desire to live healthier starts immediately. What is it about foreign mirrors? Your domestic mirrors reflect back a false image as a self preservation ploy, deterring irrational acts of tossing the fucker off the roof of your building. Anyway. Alien mirror. Me eat better.

Shortly after the other groomsman shows up at my hotel room ( which has been decided on as male wedding party outfitting command center ), we see the impending groom pull up in the parking lot. First instinct was to taunt him from the window. After watching him wrapped in a cone of confusion unable to even remember what he left in the backseat or if he locked up the car, we decide to throw homie a break.

Meet him in the hallway, loaded down with tuxes. Gonna reiterate the props I have for my man bringing on the fine Rat Pack threads. The bride is absolutely stunning, yeah yeah, whatever, its all about whether or not I look fuckable.

Tried to assess how the mayor of groomtown's noggin was doing. Looked like all the blood in his body was pooling at his feet, nice overly boiled meat grey palour to his face. The three of us struggling with all the black tie paraphenalia. First time any of us donned a tux. Luckily an elder was available for assistance.

Now we are in the limo. Can't tell if that's nervous laughter at all the sick humor being bandied about, or if he's actually loosening up. We are told by the driver to drink up. Orders obeyed.

A revenue minded catholic church, booking three weddings in one Saturday, we wait outside for the second ceremony of the triple header to fade away. Looks like a real young couple, and they look kinda pissed off over the whole deal. Seems as if one of them gave the other herpes and then decided, well we might as well just fuck each other exclusively. Cause how do you bring that up? I'm a single white female with scabies looking for a man well versed in the realms of genital creams and suppression medication. Ah the sweetness of contagious young love.

Limo takes off to pick up the wifely side of things.

Boutonnieres distributed. Male wedding posse pics taken. Bride limo pulls up, passengers remaining inside for the previous wedding to end. Guests arrive and herr groom does the meet and greet. I make sure his cell is turned off.

While we wait a stray cat appears on the scene. Poised on the edge of the curb, waiting for an opening in traffic to sprint to the other side. Thought it probably would go down as a bad omen if there was a calico mushed into asphalt jelly in front of the church moments before the union. Fighting my own personal heebie jeebies to witness harm come to an animal, I intently studied the fate of the cat. Made it across with all his whiskers intact.

Everyone hussles inside as the rain comes again. A grey day indeed.

Debating whether or not I want to expound upon the mass itself. Nothing noteworthy. I mean my man's shaved head glowed rosier than fuck me fire engine red lipstick. Plenty of fumbling of vows and such. Shit plodded on much longer than I would have had anything to do with. One high point, since the other groomsman and myself are a couple of grubby heathens we were banned from partaking of the stale christ snacks. Instead of the holy host, we each partook of a gummy windowpane-like Cool Mint Listerine Oral Care Strip. Also, catholics use way too much of that incense stuff. Maybe its to cover up the spunk funk on the breath of the altar boys who just performed the rite of kneepads. Oh that reminds me, I definitely don't get on my knees for anybody's god, unless of course its in front of the meat curtain altar. Sneer at me all you want you cement faced nun, I refuse to chant your little incantations. They should be grateful I didn't start cracking up. Not expounding huh? Alright, can't pass up an opportunity to rag on christianity.

Part I've been looking forward to, the reception! Party over here. Party over where? Party over here. But you'll just have to wait for written proof. I am such a fucking tease.