YEAR SEVENTEEN: Eiiigh-tie-Niiiine, what what, Eightynine, say it again, Eiiigh-tie-Niiiine, ughn ughn, Eightynine, woop woop woop. Class of '89. Gradiatin and sheeit. Running my chump ass outta high school.

I must say, having a birthday in the summer kinda confuses a retrospective like this. Half of my seventeenth year was in 1988 and the second half was in 1989. You smell what I'm simmering? Eh, like you fucking care. Yeah yeah I know, get with the crazy stories mister writer funny man.

It was expected that seniors at my high school were to pull pranks. Me and the other members of the class clown guild came up with two doozies.

The first was drunkentaneously spawned one warm fall night. Killing cylinders of Colt45, and passing the spliff around da circle, the golden gong of good ideas clanged in my ears. "Hey, let's get big thick rolls of duct tape, and wrap them around the school!" Unanimous "werd"'s and "aw, hell yeah"'s were the consensus.

Can't recall exactly who's brilliant idea it was to put the cars in neutral and push them down the driveway path to the campus. Hubcaps grinding against the brick composite curb, all the mules leaning on the back hood trying not to laugh out loud. Sidled up to the back entryway. Skidded into the batting cage fence.

Hushed voice instructions and tip toeing around. Damn tape peeling from the roll was making enough sound to stir the ancient dead anyway. We made a complete revolution around the building, and just starting out on the next go round, when security lights clicked on. Didn't figure anyone to be in the fucking place after Midnight, we only thought of looking out for passersby. Leapt into the ride all Dukes of Hazard, General Lee style. Bugged out.

Absent paint stripes were on the front doors the next day where they ripped off the tape. Super dope.

Towelling off after my post phys ed class shower. Noticed a foil ointment tube, half full and crinkled up on a bench. Recognised it from the coaching stash. Deep Heat. Now, standard muscle relief creams that exist on the open consumer market are a bit stingy. Deep Heat felt like magma hot alien probes needling into your flesh. Could feel your bones cooking. Casually snatched the tube up. Sauntered out the locker room with my prize.

My homie, Darby, had pulled a prank in the teacher's lounge bathroom. Tightly covered the toilet bowls with Saran Wrap. Unsuspecting history teacher drops trou, and winds up running piss all over the floors cause he didn't notice the transparent plastic clinging sheet covering the poop input. Had to give my boy props for that.

I had in my possesion a trump. Smeared the potent petroleum jelly in a thin layer on all the toilet seats of the teacher's bathroom. Ditched chapel to sneak in there. Homeroom was right across the hall from spanky trick operation: steamy buncakes. Watched as an algebra teach walked in, the suspense was exquisite. Moments later we heard a banshee caterwaul. I could picture him hotfoot leaping around, dunking his ass in a sink, water vapor rising from his hindquarters. That was a well respected burn by all parties concerned.

Had a four man crew of miscreants. Me, Darby, Hiram and Kamel. Yeah, it's meant to be camel with a K, don't ask. We would go to the expensive malls and hunt for hood ornaments. Mercedes and Jaguars were our favorite prey. Had to pop them off real quick, made quite a din. Hiram almost got caught once cause his catch had a mess of wires attached to it. Wrestling and wrenching it off, security spotted us and were coming at us. We shouted from the car for Hiram to ditch the loot and get his ass in the bucket. Finally yanked it off, dozen multicolored wires dangling from his backside like a tail as he scurried away from the mall cops.

Would walk around the halls of education, car logos dangling from a chain around our necks. They made quite nice medallions. Surprised Martha Stewart never caught on to that craft project.

During the annual senior commencement ceremony, the day prior to graduation, I caused a ruckus. They did this slide show every year, where a baby picture would project and then the picture of the senior's face it belonged to would fade in. Awwwwwww's, giggles and snickers filled the audience of students, faculty and parents. I had a baby picture of me in Greece, holding onto a brick wall looking over my shoulder, huge smile on my face. So for my modern day fade in pic, I had the photography student who was in charge of capturing the snaps, take one of me up against the wall, getting frisked by a cop, looking over my shoulder with a sneer. The stuffed suits didn't like that.

But whatcha gonna do, oh thou of the clenched buttocks? I was a free man. Nurny nurny nurny.

At graduation, as everyone stepped up to the platform, their name would be announced along with where they were headed off to college. Suzie Rottencrotch, going to Bard to study biology. Todd Dingleturd, will be joining Duke to major in business....... Spanky plans on going to some school, somewhere. Took a bow with diploma in hand.

Yep. That's correct. Had zero clue, and not much cash to figure it out with. It was all about St. Louis Community College for this fine freak. That's more tales for more laters yo.