It has been raining, thundering, and murky since last night. Seems appropriate. Yet it also deepens the depression. Was sort of hoping for rain to cleanse all this shit away. Not helping.

I can't look at anything in the city that comforts me. Surrounded by rhetoric, and plans for patriotic synbolism get togethers. It all just seems empty to me. The simple fact that I am a New Yorker has motivated people to feel sorry for me, where it used to be a sense of awe. Solid stigma now, New York City, ground zero.

Still have people missing. I haven't gone to any lists or hospitals. Not that I can't deal. Figure they must be dead, and if I'm proven wrong then I'd rather it be a splendid surprise. What will I do, run my finger along their names on a manifest of the crushed and feel vindicated? The survivors are who I'm mourning for. Damaged goods from here on out.

Really don't care if this is about to offend anyone, but this horrific tradgedy has not altered my belief system one bit. God still does not exist, so why should I light a candle? Symbolism is just marketing and propaganda, regardless of its intentions, trying to force an emotion still just pisses me off. I won't forgive the actions of stupidity. I don't care if grief and anger is blinding you, retarded actions such as targeting people who had nothing to do with this because they are Arabian looking or Islamic is unforgiveable. I still have zero faith in humanity. I give big props to all those who have pitched in, all those that have made heroic efforts, all those who are experiencing loss. But as far as I'm concerned this is just one more notch in the tree creating the chasm the will cause it to fall.