Veterinarian is an admirable profession to persue. Animals are much cooler than people. However, you must consign yourself to the fact that one day, you are gonna have your arm shoulder deep in cow snatch.

If the instructions to the car baby seat are too complicated for you, well maybe you should consider scrapping that whole breeding and passing your simpleton genes on idea.

If you find yourself extremely upset that your regularly scheduled program is interrupted by an award show, you should realised then and there that you suck from the teet of retardation.

When making a joke about drug addicts remember two things; Crackhead - funny, junky - not funny.

Ladies, the reason why us men want to have anal sex with you is simple. Our dicks just aren't large enough to cause you pain in your vagina. If you would just make that surprised pinched face when we enter you vaginally all would be well.

One should always know what kung-fu style is best for your physique and demeanor. You don't want to spend years learning tiger crane to only find out later you should have studied drunken boxing.

Men, make all your homies expendable in case your future woman will hate them. Or, you could just go after women that are cool and can hang wherever and whenever without turning into a spasmodic sideshow freak. That might not be as much fun though.

When broke, do not, under any circumstances, read the discarded ATM receipts while waiting for the last twenty dollars to your name to spit on out.

I must say that a bit of politeness in the proper place can produce good results and peace all around. However, a hefty piece of wood, a crazy glare, and shouting "death to anyone who get's in my way" can accomplish getting what you want much faster.

People are only difficult and bitchy when quitting smoking cigarettes simply so the rest of us will beg them to start up again, thus taking the accountability away from themselves for destroying their lungs.

When the leader of your country has to read a script on his podium to tell him who is going to ask the correct questions in a predetermined order at a televised press conference, well you might want to have the term "free press" redefined.

One should not be insulted or surprised at being called a stupid ugly American after shouting "show us your tits!" while pounding beers at Oktoberfest.

Never trust anyone with a comb over.

Do you really think god loves you? I mean how much disdain do you think it takes for the almighty to make you so stupid to believe in him. Only hate or at the very least mischievious unthoughtfulness can be the overwhelming feeling in an omnipotent being to fool someone into thinking there is paradise waiting for them after a life of human suffering. Holy christ did god pull a fast one on you.

Don't take no shit off of nobody. ( This mantra best said in an internal voice with a heavy New Yorker accent )