I cussed out......no, scratch that. I had a complete immature manic outburst on my wakie wakie alarm this morning. Hours of agonising ceiling staring, and rolling around on my bed, head clasped in my hands so it would shut up. Think I passed out around fourish, in the a m'ish. The harpie call of my clock radio at six thirty was less than welcome. Glared at the dawn dayball in the sky, wishing I had the power to douse it's despicable flames.

I did think of a song list from every genre possible for me to play badly one day. My country western song "Thankin Bout Drankin". My emo ( pansy whining wilted flower rock ) song "I Am The Fag Nextdoor". My spoof cover song, bring out the good old "Livin La Vida Polka" or "Free Ballin". My thrash death metal song "Flame Broiled Cock". My hip hop/slow jam/new R&B song "Juice Me Shorty", with the "Juice Me Shorty ( Sho Ya Right )" remix.

Obviously I had much more important work for my brain than knocking the fuck out and getting a decent night sleep for once.

YEAR TWENTY: Cured of the dreaded pubescence disease. Long drawn out convalescence. Notice how pubescence and convalescence sound so familiar. Teenager - Spleen Danger. The whole age is just wrapped around terrible sickness and recovery.

This was also my last year suffering under the Missouri choke cloud. Curse you, you.....something of a state. Fucking place, can't even be shaped like anything to be made mocking fun of. Closest I can come up with would be a giant capital letter D with a wrinkly limp headless cock dangling from it's chin. Weak.

Empty EightBall forty ounce bottles flanking either side of me. Eric had smoked us all out. Bobby, with a diva flair, was telling his usual crazy stories of his numerous little cousins and nieces setting something on fire, or chasing cats with sticks. Smug Jake, who's rented U. City Loop crib it was, chuckling and saying politically off center and important statements. Playing spades into the crack of day. Stumbling home with birds chirping and early morning do-gooders skipping off to work. It was good sanctuary.

Eric, Da Uterus Killah, was a true homeboy. He was just decent and real. We got spliffed often. Cracking jokes with the Burger King drive through Tawanda's and Shaniqua's on thier headsets. Always getting scrunched face looks when we would be the only two laughing at somebody at social gatherings. Gangsta leaning in his hooptie, strolling down Delmar, puffing away and bobbing our heads to Brand Nubian, Tribe Called Quest and Digital Underground. Heh, we went to go see Digital Underground at Mississippi Nights, and Shock-G tossed us a joint and some Heinekens from the stage. A definite "high" point of the year.

I sincerly miss that brotha. Gives me a dull pain in my chest that we lost touch. He would have loved the hell out of chillin in this fucking town. Would have been a dangerous team.

Poured quite a bit of my malt liquor on the dusty ground and sidewalks of St. Louis that year. My boy from back in seventh grade on up was crushed to death under the trailer of a semi. They told me the news while I was manning the register at the Rigatoni Hut. I tried for half a minute to keep it together, and then I fell apart. G was down for whatever. He only ever wanted to smile. Embarassingly, I blubbered incoherently to Jeff the manager, told him I had to leave. Started running home, fell apart on the curb halfway there, wailing, tearing grass out the ground, rocking back and forth in the damp earth. Shit hurt deep.

Ever have sorrow sex? This hottie Tanya, who was distantly related to G, sparked up a flirtation we had back in high school, that I most likely steered into the planet platonica, being a closeted geek back in the day. We were leaning on each other at the burial. She soaked my shoulder with tears.

At the time, the people across the street from us, who were well off, left me their house for the summer since they were spending it at the family lakeside resort manse in Canada. Brought a few people back there to shake the day off and relax on the deck out back. Tanya included. Everyone left except for Tanya. It was weird but our mutual depressed stunned state just turned into fondling. Can't say it was exactly passionate, just distantly aggressive. Needed to let the lizard brain out the cage and force us to forget our human mourning for a moment. Slept in late, never unlocking our bodies from each other, allowing ourselves to not speak, just be.

Left for New York City soon after that. Head was swimming on that plane.