I am experiencing phantom cicada music. The subdermal thick background sound of any region, even sparsely forested, as in Midwestern suburbs, even shitty ones. The loud buzzing stridulation noise progressively drones you to calm. I can't see how it isn't maddening for certain mental patients. Anyway, I sort of swat it from my ears, and yet find curious comfort from it.

If it winds up that actual homopteran buggies have taken root in Alphabet City, I will be pleasantly confused. Hope I find a discarded frail amber husk chillin on the side of some brick.

I have decided to attempt to answer peth's fivers while baked. Not that her queries deserve some loonie seasoning to improve their flavor. Just will entertain me highly. And let's face the science, that's all I really give a shit about - entertaining myself. Snerk.

PETH QUESTION NUMBER ONE: Stripes, plaid, or polka dots?

SPANKY ANSWER ONE: Dude, plaid all the way. Wicked awesome.

Mostly because I love my flannel shirts. Yummy yummy yum yums, fall is on the way. Time for snuggly fabrics. Herbs can eat the dirt, could care less if my wardrobe fits into some current trend. Plaid flannel shirts be da bomb. Keep your queer eye off this straight guy. Make this ( the audience will now imagine spanky clutching his crotch like a bag of dice ) over bitch.

PETH QUESTION NUMBER TWO: No strings attached, you can send someone away forever. Who?

SPANKY ANSWER TWO: It has to be baby Bush. His strings are being pulled by a bunch of extremists. I like my puppets on comedy variety shows only, not popping out of their whack-a-mole holes to represent the country.

PETH QUESTION NUMBER THREE: Bumpy noses - sexy? What are the odd body features or habits that you find charming?

SPANKY ANSWER THREE: Bumpy noses, no.

I like chicks in eyeglasses. Nothing clunky. Sleek and catty. Naughty schoolteacher style.

I like curly lips. As if their mouth was drawn by Dr. Suess. Ridiculously bendy at the corners. Some idiots call them duck lips. I'm quackers for them.

I like pudgy toes and fingers. Short and stubby. Not lopped off by a piece of wood working equipment silly. Fresh supple soft edged fleshy darlings. Feels much better rolling around on my tongue.

I don't believe this last one is "odd". However, I seem to be an endangered species living in a highway ditch. I prefer my tits on the smaller side. Ripe nipples are great. Demure cupcake tops with strawberry frosting and a watermellon gummi bear resting in the middle. Oh, and outies. Nipples and bellybuttons. Outie nipples is surely most fan's favorite. Outie bellybuttons maybe not so much. Christ, they look so fucking edible though. Like an elfin tummy joystick only controllable with my lips.

Holy gourd, almost forgot the most important! Heterosexual chicks that don't believe in god or godlike powers ruling our destinies. This is a rarity. Is that the horoscope in your lap? Thought so.

PETH QUESTION FOUR: Do cats steal your breath while you are sleeping? Should I worry?

SPANKY ANSWER FOUR: No, cats capture your life essence, the complete catalogue of your earthly memories, sucked through your palate. I would be intensely worried. I suggest lining the roof of your mouth with foil or some silicone apoxy.

PETH QUESTION FIVE: Suzy Creemcheeze, what's got into you? What are those teenager bad behaviors that you still hang onto?

SPANKY ANSWER FIVE: Congratulations. I would have wagered a year's salary that I would never include the phrase "Suzy Cr( double E )mcheeze" for the entireity of this chronicling insanity. Thanks are in order actually. That bet would have wasted me.

You know I thought of a legitimate one earlier....but I'm so spacecaked that it rocketed from my mind. What in the name of Arthur Fonzarelli was it? ( Jeopardy final question answering music ) Oh yeah! I still smoke pot!

It is better funded for finer varietals of the plant now of course. Mexican railtrack shrubbery is harsh, and gets no play from me.

I still jerk off like it'll disappear tomorrow.

I have failed! Neither of those actvities are slightly bad! I demand you grade this quiz a four out of five. Immediately! Expeditiously! Scatologically! Erniandbertly! Vite vite! Schnell schnell!

FOOTNOTE: I will respect the original spirit of this particular five questions vein. I recognised the rules from a tough sweetheart, trancejen, who started the whole sprawling quizzical madness back in July for calendar sake. So, my bosomy ( again filling her full of bosom whether she is or not ) buddy will be glad to hear I will once again accept requests from other journal writers for five spanky conjured questions of their own. Who isn't afraid of the dark? Freaks of the world unite!

So, yeah. I'll give ya five questions if ya want. Not resposible for your answers...............Holy crow! I had to sneak on back in here and change some stoner gaffs, all the while still stoned mind you. Extra bonus for latecomers!