I want to stuff a backpack full of necessities and head down the street and keep walking till I find a spot where I can be alone and can watch humanity fuck itself up. Give up on humanity. My death would be without notice, and I would decay out in the woods, with only small scavangers to bid me farewell.

But I have people who care about me, and would be devastated if I gave up. So now I'm fantacizing that I don't have any friends, family, or loved ones to have around. Should be a consolation that I'm not alone. Right now it feels like a curse. I want to go be a bum. I want to not care what happens to me and my posessions. Struggling to make the world a better place.

The world is fucked. I wish I was a religious little retard who believed that there is a fluffy heaven waiting for me when I'm done. But the reality is that when your gone, thats fuckin it. And actually that doesn't bother me. I'll be happy to be a peice of void. No emotions. No responsibilities. No nerves. No brain. But those fucking little religious retards always seem to have a smile on their face. I fucking hate those fuckers.

I am so depressed that I actually stopped breathing, and my whole chest felt like it was getting punctured with a flaming lance. Dizzy and all headached now that I'm out of it. I want to shake this shit, but what's the point. I'll end up a depressed dysfunctional fuck eventually, might as well make it now.

Part of me is optimistic, which is fucked. Cause its that little section of psyche that makes me deal with all of this bullshit. I actually want to get in the gym, drink and party less. I want to have some kind of schedule, keep my finances in order. I want to have a relationship to share feelings and experiences, to share love. Read more. Get my stand-up career the earnest chance it deserves. Write. Draw. Teach kids how not to fuck up the planet and their lives.

IT DOES NOT FUCKING MATTER. The rich are going to proliferate the slave system that is going on. We are going to use up everything beautiful and resourceful on this planet unreplenishable. Every stream. Every tree. Every bit of breathable air. The atmosphere is being eaten away. The temperature is rising unfettered, with absolutely no solutions in practice to stop it. Did you know that if all the ice melts at the caps that there will not be one spec of earth not covered by thirty or more feet of water. People still club baby seals for their downy pelt. People are still torturing others cause of the color of their skin. And racism is not better in this country, its worse, and seething underground. And the government has created viruses (including AIDS) that they can no longer get control of. Including control of whether or not other agencies have access to them. Hello, bio warfare. There are maybe two or three generations of humanity left to enjoy this world. And everybody's happy cause they got their surround sound, four wheel drive, leather pants, fruity drinks, and the false sense of being the best country ever.

There is no hope. None. No hope. Humanity is doomed. I had been not caring, just watching you fucking humans fuck shit up as entertainment. Figured I wouldn't breed, just live out my scrubby life, die, and enter the void. But it gets to me. Eating my guts. And I hate myself for it. I want to peirce the caring optimistic little shit out of me. Crush him with the heel of my boot. I don't care what happens to me.