Daily purge of the numerous emails, mostly work related, begins. An electronic turd gets my groan factory in production. Why is that marshmallow heads feel the need to ruin the yummy sunny afternoon mood of grown folks?

Flying smack into the face of confidentially agreements, I am gonna share this morsel of office guffawery. A few edits will be made. Fear not the retarded spirit of the memo will retain its tedious onslaught of mishumor. Remember the issue at hand has to deal with water ( wink wink ) if the hammer to the head obviousness eludes you. Enjoy this example, albiet a more innocuous one, into the daily stampede of bull puckey waded through by yours truly at this corporate stinkhole.

Hi all-

Despite our continuing need for liquidity, we have decided not to eliminate bottled water. Although the potential cost savings is oceanic, I received a waterfall of feedback asking us to river-se this decision. Apparently many of you view this as a dam important employee benefit. Rather than swim against the tide on this one, will go with the flow.

We are also installing water filtration systems in the kitchens. This way, the more cost-conscious and environmentally-conscious among you can save ( censored company name ) some money for a rainy day and keep a tidal wave of empty plastic bottles at bay.

So that all of the potential savings do not go down the drain, we are going to just have soda and water in the coolers. Juices are twice as expensive as soda or water, so this change will save us between ( censored random monetary figure ) per year down stream.

Finally, we would shore appreciate it if people would resist the urge to harbor extra sodas or water bottles in back packs as they leave, which decreases our net savings.

Otherwise I think our cost savings initiatives are going swimmingly, and I look forward to ( censored company name ) being awash in net income as the economic tide turns.

Sea you soon! - VP of retardation ( at least his real name wasn't retained by me ).

If this didn't offend your sense of taste, I despise and loathe you to the point that plight should infest your family name for all eternity. I've seen more clever attempts at spoof in the frames of Family Circus. Don't tell me to take my pills. My rage must go somewhere! Raaaaaaaage!