I knew them both from my workings at the midrange chain Italian restaurant in St. Louis, the three years prior to escaping to New York City. Don't think I've worked with such a diversified cross section of characters since then. Nope, scratch that, Stinko's was loonier, but that's a tangent. These two gave me an education in weasily slime that I've never forgotten. To avoid potential legal battlefields ( these two creeps are typical opportunistic litigious dicks ) I will refer to them as Cockmo and Buzz.

Buzz. I've yet to see a more puffed chest cocksure know it all as him. Let's see, you are the hotshot WAITER at a mediocre eatery who is better than every other pedestrian? Does your overconfident grin fool you when you gaze in the bathroom mirror?

Part of the uniform requirements for the wait staff at Rigatoni Hut ( not it's real name either ) was a primary red colored washcloth, at the ready dangling from their apron. Meant to wipe up wayward moisture. A hip checking crises caused a major pop spill into a table of six. All absorbtion on deck. The manager snatched Buzz's towel from it's holster. Buzz freaked. Chased after him and actually grappled with him to wrestle his towel back.

See, that costly hand towel is part of his official uniform required by the company. So, he has no intention of sullying it with wiping duties so that he may have to purchase another one in the future. Also he didn't want a dulled washed towel flapping against his crisp ironed khakied ass. Don't mar the adonis whatever you do.

Buzz had this annoying mannerism. Whenever you conversed with him he'd do this judgemental jaw/neck stretch fixing his collar thing if he disapproved of what you were saying. Looked like he studied some movie character who had a high station in the film and self reflexively copied it into his own repertoire.

He was ex military. And nabbed a mousy wife from the Jewish Middle East somewhere. Not Israeli, can't quite recall. Syrian maybe. Buzz would refer to her as his property.

Buzz constantly had his nose up the manager's porthole. Literally, at least a half dozen occasions I was privy to him having a discussion on the fat content of restaurant ice cream as opposed to the lesser quality supermarket ice cream. Dork actually studied restaurant trade magazines as conversational ammunition with the restaurant executive class. Climb that ladder big boy, climb.

He wound up partially strangling a waitress in the kitchen one day. I was fortunate enough to witness the stupidity. Granted the chick was a serious bitch who enjoyed getting in the way of other's work. But that wife beater had no business wrapping his fingers around her throat.

I was called into the office the next day to give my testimony to the regional suits. Buzz was waiting for me after work that night. Said "so what do you have to say for yourself?". Implying; did I cover for him by lauding his value and her obvious deserving attitude? Told him to suck off a gorilla and if he wanted to try and strangle me I'd put his military training to the test.

He was barely admonished, continued with his asslicking waiter position. She quit a couple months after that.

I didn't feel bad for her all that much. Don't believe she was treated fairly. Although, she was more than nasty towards me. Of course I didn't help matters by cracking jokes over the size of her cranium. Fairly sure she overheard me say "I don't know if I'd rather fuck her or have her head full of nickles". That was well after she proved herself to be self hating venom spewer.

Cockmo. Scumhoff the younger. Holy fucklord was he simply aggravating on the nervous system.

He couldn't get laid by a cripple whore. Didn't stop him from employing all the leechy techniques possible. He was always "scoring" freebies. Really, all he did was wear people's tolerance down. I saw him whine day in and day out over something till people just would say "look, here just take this and go away from me."

He must have tried for weeks to get one of the ladies at Rigatoni Hut to accompany him to the Funny Bone. He'd always preface his propositions with "I got these free tickets to the Funny Bone....." Yeah, real good up sale there buddy. Why don't you just say I can't afford to take you on a proper date normally, and I think you are just special enough for this slough I scammed off some assistant manager. Dork diaper.

Cockmo was extremely proud and protective of his Toyota Supra. A quasi sports car. He would insert the fact he owned the pseudo chick magnet whenever possible. "Oh you like crackers, I once went to the store in my SUPRA to get a box of Saltines."

Once parked outside of a TGI Fridays his package compensating machine got nicked by another car. He took special note of the tiny paint scrape left behind. Cause he was sure it was one of the workers of TGI Fridays. He did a stakeout. Sat in his Supra all day and night until the specific hued vehicle approached. Confronted the guy and insisted the perp pay for a whole new paint job.

He got some minor fortune through a trust fund. Everyday after that he announced that he was gonna buy another Supra. Not to replace the one he already had mind you, but so he could possess two Supras. So he could be better than the standard single Supra owner.

Cockmo went through with it. Ten days later he was begging money off his brother to pay his rent. Which of course meant that Buzz was to impune his name from then on out as asshole brothers should.

I also remember one day when Cockmo went into a hissy fit cause a customer didn't return the pen he loaned them to sign their credit card receipt. If you were to use one of his special Bic pens, he'd hang off your shoulder slobbering till you gave it back. Cause that fifteen cents was theft he could not financially bear.

Buzz and Cockmo's mother should be kicked in the uterus. And their father should be smacked with a flounder until fishy bits are embedded into his face.