Anti-pack socialisation doesn't seem to be destroying this lone wolf. I do get loser pangs. Looking at the empty couch cushion next to me. Can't help being affected by the rest of you fucking life expectation assholes. Evaporates quickly. Near impossible odds that I would ever find the kind of chick I could stand and vise versa on an extended basis.

I want to control the sexual activities of almost every honey that gets my lizard brain foaming at the id. Giving them no choice but to shiver in orgasm whenever I see fit. Watching them slide their well manicured feet into shoes procured soley to entice me. Rotating staff of spanky pleasers.

Don't want to go hand and hand into wrinkling with any female. Don't want children with my face coming out their womb. Don't want to be beholden. Don't want to promise.

Do it to myself I do. This alone state. Can't allow for the possibilty of being stuck in a relationship I dread seeing go one day farther. Dread having to end it. Dread leaving my mark on another female. Dread feeling trapped.

Yeah yeah I'm a fucking child. So what. You ladies think it's such a blow to my groin to call me immature? Please. You just want to mother me anyway. You just want to reap the benefits of having a naughty lad to play with. Call me a child all ya want, as long as a child with my DNA isn't in your belly.

No social satisfaction at work either. Just wish they'd all just shut the fuck up. Let me suffer through another wasted day of my life in peace. Stop trying to impress me with your tired humor, and exasperating stories of golf courses. Stop poking the bear before he takes your head off with one swipe of the claw. I don't work with one person I respect as a living creature. Stomach sours to know they are breeding and creating more leeches.

Then there's the homies.

I'm completely sure I am more culpable then they are. I take full blame for taking my name off their chillin a-list. Haven't exactly been the shining example of a pal.

Well, the recent blow off on one segment was necessary. Toxic give and take. Couldn't stand how despicable and irresponsible they were when influenced by substances. Which, was the point of any of our get togethers anyway. Always needing to play fucking mental games. Always needing to taunt. No respect for how my home is run. Plus, since I probably realised deep down I didn't really like them, I felt no compunction in doing things to them I'd normally feel shame about. So they had to go.

My best friend hooked up with a woman whom I cannot stand. They married too quickly, and unfortunately her biological clock is kicking her uterus around. So he's been plugging much semen into her. Kids will most likely happen. I bat a good average when it comes to predicting the shelf life of other people's relationships. I think they are doomed to have a nasty divorce, involving children no doubt. If he ever were to read what I just wrote he'd hate me forever. Probably why we don't hang quite as much. Both he and her can see the disapproval spinning behind my irises. It's a fucking crime. And I'm an asshole for not trusting his judgement. For not giving him the benefit of being the coolest guy ever. Being a realist and an effective observer has it's serious drawbacks.

The other crew that I really enjoy hanging with, well, again I am still a child. They probably are sick of my flakiness. I have flaked many times on them. Feel almost like I can't even call them until I make good on all the bullshit that flies out of my face. Actions, not words, actions are the proof. I gotta get some actions in gear.

What a fucking pity party bunch of whining crap that was. That's the scoop. Fucking pitiful. So, I've decided to work my shit out. The freak geek crazy brain will not be obliterated. Couldn't do that if I even wanted to. Just gonna get my stank together. Make myself worthy to smile at myself in the mirror after rolling out of bed everyday.